Understanding and Parenting Strong-Willed Kids
On the Rising Lava Parenting Podcast this week-- Lauren Pace, (a mom and behavior coach dedicated to helping parents understand and support their child’s big emotions and big behaviors) was joined with Danielle Bettman to discuss strong-willed kids—what defines them, common parenting mistakes, and how we can best support them.
Meet Danielle Bettmann
Danielle is a parenting coach specializing in working with families of strong-willed children between the ages of 2 and 10. With her own experience raising two daughters and running her business for the past six years, Danielle brings insight and strategies to help parents manage composure, improve communication, and meet their child’s core needs for control and attention. She also hosts the Failing Motherhood podcast, offering a space for parents to feel seen and supported.
Defining a Strong-Willed Child
If you’re wondering whether you’re raising a strong-willed child, here are some key characteristics:
Strong vocabulary but difficulty expressing emotions when overwhelmed
Possible mild sensory sensitivities (e.g., loud noises, scratchy clothes)
Common Parenting Challenges
Parents of strong-willed children often feel helpless when their child’s emotions spiral out of control. Many of these kids appear to be a “different person” outside the home, making parents feel like they’re the only ones struggling. Over time, some children may receive ADHD or neurodivergent diagnoses, while others simply need the right environment to thrive.
Supporting Strong-Willed Kids
Danielle emphasizes that parenting strong-willed children isn’t about fixing them—it’s about understanding them. Here are some strategies:
Create Accommodations: Adjust environments to support their needs rather than trying to change their personality.
Teach Emotional Regulation: Help them develop coping mechanisms for big feelings.
Shift Your Perspective: Instead of seeing their strong will as defiance, recognize it as a sign of deep emotions and intelligence.
Challenge Stigmas: A diagnosis (like ADHD) doesn’t mean something is wrong with your child—it means they need different support structures.
Parenting Strong-Willed Children: Breaking the Cycle
Parenting a strong-willed child can feel like an endless battle—one where consequences, punishments, and even rewards don’t seem to work. If you’ve ever felt stuck in this cycle, you’re not alone. In a recent episode of the Rising Lava Parenting Podcast, parenting coach Lauren Pace and Danielle Bettman shared powerful insights on how to approach these challenges differently.
Why Traditional Discipline Fails
Many parents instinctively turn to stricter consequences when their child refuses to cooperate. They think, “If I take away what they love most, they’ll learn.” But strong-willed children don’t respond to punishment or rewards the way we expect. They resist external control and often reject authority—even if Disney World is on the line.
Another common trap is focusing on consistency. While structure is valuable, forcing a rigid approach that doesn’t align with your child’s needs can lead to more resistance. Instead of fostering cooperation, parents often find themselves caught in a cycle of power struggles and guilt.
A Different Approach: Collaboration Over Control
Rather than trying to control your strong-willed child, the key is to collaborate.
This means:
✅ Front-loading expectations – Be proactive rather than reactive. Anticipate challenges and offer choices before a meltdown happens.
✅ Negotiating the “how” – The goal (e.g., getting dressed for school) is non-negotiable, but the process (choosing their outfit) can be flexible.
✅ Reframing discipline – Instead of punishment, shift towards problem-solving. Help your child understand the impact of their choices and work together on solutions.
Parenting as a Journey of Growth
Parenting isn’t just about raising children—it’s about growing alongside them. Many of us were raised in environments where emotions weren’t always validated. Now, we’re teaching our children emotional intelligence while also unlearning outdated beliefs about discipline. As Lauren Pace explains, “There’s no finish line—only progress, one day at a time.”
If you’re ready to transform your parenting approach, start small. Focus on connection over correction. And remember, your child isn’t fighting against you—they’re fighting for their sense of autonomy.
The Bigger Picture
Our conversation also touched on how many parents, including Danielle and myself, have recognized neurodivergent traits in themselves while learning about their children. The more we understand about different brain wirings, the more we realize that everyone has unique strengths and challenges.
If you’re parenting a strong-willed child, you are not alone. With the right tools and mindset shifts, you can create an environment where your child thrives without losing their spark.
Listen to the full conversation on the Rising Lava Parenting Podcast for more insights from Lauren Pace and Danielle Bettmann, and expert advice on navigating life with a strong-willed child..
