Identifying Your Parenting Triggers to Break the Cycle
Our children are raising us into the person we are meant to be - Lauren Pace
Introduction:
In 2021, I had a realization—something was missing in the way we approach parenting education. Since 2018, I had been teaching classes and coaching parents and teachers on challenging behavior. We explored children's sensory preferences, temperaments, and communication through behavior, providing strategies rooted in prevention. Logically, it all made sense. But when parents and teachers went to implement these strategies, there was a gap.
That gap was triggers.
Instead of responding to behavior with understanding, many adults found themselves reacting in ways they didn’t want to—yelling, withdrawing, or resorting to discipline tactics they swore they’d never use. This wasn’t about a lack of knowledge or effort. It was about being stuck in a cycle of subconscious reactions, driven by unresolved triggers from their own upbringing.
What Are Triggers?
An emotional trigger is anything that stimulates a strong emotional response—anger, sadness, fear. A great example of this happened during a coaching session with a teacher. She was frustrated by a particular student’s behavior and, upon further reflection, realized it wasn’t about the behavior itself. It was about the fact that she, as a child, wouldn’t have been allowed to act that way. Her subconscious reaction was deeply tied to her past experiences.
The Science Behind Triggers: Understanding Polyvagal Theory
Triggers are deeply rooted in our nervous system. The polyvagal theory explains how our nervous system constantly scans the environment for safety and danger through a process called neuroception. This system helped our ancestors survive life-threatening situations, but today, it can misinterpret everyday parenting challenges—like a whining child or a messy room—as threats, leading us to react in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode.
Fight: Yelling, slamming doors, physically reacting, controlling behaviors
Flight: Avoiding confrontation, walking away, shutting down.
Freeze: Feeling paralyzed, silent treatment, emotional withdrawal.
Fawn: People-pleasing, over-accommodating, suppressing needs.
These responses aren’t logical decisions; they’re automatic reactions designed to protect us. But often, they’re based on outdated fears that no longer serve us.
Parenting and Generational Cycles
Children, especially under ten, view everything we do as intentional and loving—even when our reactions stem from unprocessed trauma. If we were raised with yelling, spanking, or shame, we might unconsciously repeat those patterns despite our best intentions. The cycle continues until someone intentionally breaks it.
Recognizing our triggers is the first step to breaking these generational patterns and becoming the parent we truly want to be.
How to Identify and Heal Your Triggers
Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual process, but awareness is the first step. Here’s a simple exercise to begin:
Track Your Triggers – Each time you react strongly to something, take note:
Look for Patterns – After a few days, review your notes. Do certain situations or behaviors trigger you consistently? Do they stem from a deep-seated belief or past experience?
Question the Belief – Ask yourself:
Practice Pause and Choice – The next time you feel triggered, take a deep breath and pause before reacting. This moment of awareness can help shift your response from unconscious reaction to intentional action.
A Real-Life Example: The Daniel Tiger Socks
One day, my son walked in wearing knee-high Daniel Tiger socks, basketball shorts, and a totally mismatched shirt. My first instinct was no way—he couldn’t go out in public like that. But then I paused.
Why did I care so much?
As I sat with that discomfort, I realized my reaction had nothing to do with him. It was about how I thought others would perceive me as a parent. The moment I let go of that attachment, I gave him the freedom to express himself, and I freed myself from unnecessary stress.
Final Thoughts
Parenting triggers are normal, but they don’t have to define our interactions with our children. By understanding and addressing them, we can create a healthier, more connected relationship—one based on response rather than reaction. The journey to breaking cycles takes time, but every moment of self-awareness is a step toward healing, for both ourselves and our children.
What triggers have you noticed in your parenting journey? Start tracking them, stay curious, and remember—you have the power to break the cycle.
